A Slow Death…

Opposing Culture

I know that most of you will squirm at this representation of marriage. The fact is that we romanticize the marital relationship to such an extent that most Americans actually believe in the fatalistic belief that we were created for one other person out there. Marriage is a culmination and expression of our true self—the other fulfills my needs and “You complete me” (Jerry Macguire). To think of marriage as a death of our individuality is an offensive thought. Perhaps it is not our fault. Our culture foundationally depicts marriage as a contract…IF you meet all my wants and needs, then this marriage is ok…IF NOT then divorce is never out of the question. Sounds reminiscent of the “double minded person” that the Book of James depicts. We have been inundated with messages and social scripts to that end. Most romantic movies convey that very point (e.g. You’ve Got Mail, Maid of Manhattan, etc.). Marriage is viewed as a fulfillment of our self—an expression of our individuality. Weddings (often, not always, an expression of narcissism) become the focal point of marriage. Our girls begin to plan their wedding before they are old enough to date. Is this the message we should be feeding to our children?

Trinity

Nope! I would agree that we were created to be in relationship. In relationship, we mirror the image of the Godhead—the imago Dei. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is most definitely a relationship. The Godhead, the Trinity, most perfectly represents relationship. It is a perfect mutuality, deference, and love. Equal personhood: each equally loving, each equally powerful, each equally graceful. Our created purpose was to image God, and in relationship we find not only our purpose but also the breath of God. Marriage is best understood as a covenantal commitment to image God. This is no stretch. The scripture is full of metaphors for our relationship with Christ as a marriage. Why would God use marriage as the closest example of our relationship with himself? The answer is that, like marriage, relationship with Christ is a call to the cross—a death of self.

Mutuality

It is defined as “mutual character, quality, or activity.” God is one. This idea is most assured in scripture. What does this oneness actually portray? It is not the loss of personhood. Christ remains Christ; Father remains Father; and Holy Spirit remains Holy Spirit. Yet they share a character, quality, and activity. Marriage also shares this mystery. In psychological terms, this idea is called differentiation of self. The term may seem individualistic; however, it is actually more akin to mutuality. It is how to maintain our self; while also joining our character, quality, and activity with another. It enables us to be, while also being open to the other, without trying to control, manipulate (by false deference or coercion), or lose our personhood.

Deference in Love

This is where we meet the cross. Death is our calling as believers. Death is our calling in our marriages. In marriage, we find our very tangible guide for our Christian practice. I am terrible at this. I came to marriage for what I am “entitled to” or at least that’s what I thought. Marriage was a way to complete me. What a shock I had! Marriage is nothing if not a call to death of entitlement and the self. Notice I said a death of self not a loss of self. Loss of self is characterized by the “false deference” I mentioned above. It entails those manipulations we use to gain what we want. It is made up of those “if you love me…” statements; or our attempts to convey our victim-ness to gain sympathy. Loss of self is a defense of entitlement. Conversely, death of self is a giving up of our beliefs of entitlement. Christ on the cross opposes these beliefs. Love expressed through sacrifice is our goal for marriage.

Experience

My first four years of marriage was learning this very idea. I anticipate that the next fifty years will be putting the lesson to practice. I still feel entitled. I want my marriage to complete me. I want to believe that my wife was created for me. I am a narcissist. Life is about me. Christ is calling me to the cross in my marriage. My self must die. I have to defer to my wife. I want mutuality, deference, and love in my marriage to better reflect Christ in my life. Lord, let me image you in my life and marriage.